


Between the Wars We Dance

by tomfoolery14



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Dreams, M/M, Reconciliation, basically magnus gets visited by the three people that have impacted his life most, coda to 3x15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-18 06:11:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18243986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomfoolery14/pseuds/tomfoolery14
Summary: coda to 3x15while magnus is unconscious, he dreams of the three most important people in his life





	Between the Wars We Dance

**Author's Note:**

> so i just felt compelled to write this after watching the episode. i literally just sat down and banged it out in a couple hours. i haven't even proofread lol

_I love you_.

The tremendous chill in Magnus’ bones couldn’t be offset even by those words as they echoed in his head. His chest had swelled with such singular and inimitable delight that only the man he loved with all his heart could provoke within him. A home, a fresh start with the love of his life, not building on the ruins of their pasts but instead making a new one together—laying it brick by brick with their own hands, no one else’s.

But then came the darkness.

That onerous rolling wave of utter oblivion that superseded the pain, tremendous and terrible as it was. He’d felt strange, that was the only way he could think to describe it, before everything became quickly became a blur and his body felt like it was no longer in control. He was trapped inside of it as he fell to the ground, swallowed by the yawning chasm that beckoned him closer.

It was cold and quiet in his mind, lonely. There was no light to walk into, though he had no reason to think Heaven would send for him. Not with his tainted blood. Still, he had hoped for something, one way or another, instead of just vast nothingness.

Suddenly, a small dot of light, like a pinprick, appeared somewhere before him that he couldn’t reach. It seemed to grow ever so slowly, until it rapidly increased in speed. Reflexively, Magnus lifted his arms to protect himself, and when the light dimmed, he was standing in the loft.

It was decorated just as it had always been, as if he’d never left it. Everything was in order, down to the last detail; the infinitesimally small hairline fracture in his Ming vase, the tiny fraying corner on the second to last tassel of the Persian rug in the living room, the warp in the metal door of the drinks cart in the corner.

It was home again.

“What…” Magnus murmured to himself, trailing off. He dabbed at the base of his nose and swept down to his upper lip, checking for blood, and found none. His fingers were no longer sticky and stained crimson.

“Welcome home, Magnus.”

He would know that voice anywhere, in life or death.

Turning his back on the double doors of the balcony, Magnus faced Alec, standing at parade rest with a soft smile on his face. That special smile… It was something private only they shared; a secret kept safe. He looked just like he always did, and Magnus yearned to touch him, reaching out.

Alec mirrored him, their fingertips touching tenderly before their hands joined. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

“What are we doing here?” Magnus asked, looking around. “Where’s—”

“Baby,” Alec said softly, releasing one of Magnus’ hands in favor of cradling his cheek with the tenderest of touches. “There’s no one here but you and I.”

Reaching up to keep Alec’s palm pressed to his face, Magnus couldn’t help but shake his head slightly, eyebrows drawn in confusion. “I don’t understand, Alec. How are you…here?”

“Magnus, I’m always with you.”

Gently Magnus pressed his hand against the upper left side of Alec’s chest to be greeted by the familiar methodical thrum of his steady heartbeat. Magnus knew it well; he’d spent so many nights soothed to sleep by each beat strung together like a lullaby, spent so many intimate moments feeling the fragile pulsing beneath his fingertips, against bare skin, below his mouth. He knew it as intimately as he knew his own.

It didn’t make sense, though. How could he be here, now?

“But I—”

“Dance with me,” Alec interrupted, pulling on Magnus’ hand to guide their bodies flush against each other. One hand anchored to the small of his back, a comforting heat, while the other gripped his hand firmly.

Magnus couldn’t recall any music playing previously, but now there was a song playing softly in the background and seeping into the air around them like a living thing.

“You’ve never been this good,” he pointed out, watching the way Alec’s feet moved them steadily, knowing with certainty where they would go next. “It was part of the charm, really, the way you always stepped on my toes.”

Alec laughed, bright and clear like the sunshine. “Well, I did have the best teacher, didn’t I?” As if they had done it a thousand times before, like muscle memory in action, he spun Magnus out away from his body and held for a moment before pulling him back in.

Magnus felt nothing but safe in Alec’s arms, even as he was suspended in a dip. Alec’s grip on his lower back was firm and secure, and there wasn’t even a second that he questioned it.

“See?”

Magnus smiled in response as Alec righted him, but it started to dissipate after a moment. “Alexander… I’m sorry.”

Head tilted questioningly, Alec was silent as he waited for Magnus to continue.

“I should have told you the truth,” he admitted, swallowing the lump that rose in his throat. “I should have told you that something was wrong with the magic Lorenzo gave to me. I knew that something was wrong; after only a few uses, my body started to reject it. It was a foreign thing inside of me, and my body didn’t want it. But I couldn’t bear to just…get rid of it. I needed my magic to feel whole again; I needed to feel like me and not a stranger locked in an unfamiliar cage.”

His temptation, his desperate yearning for what he lost had blinded him. He was Icarus, undone by his own actions. There was no one to blame but himself for the melting of his wings.

Alec still offered no reply, simply looking back at Magnus as their movements continued fluidly without skipping a step. “I understand Magnus; not what it felt like or what you went through but how that kind of desperation and despair could make you do almost anything.”

“I didn’t want to leave you.” His voice cracked inelegantly as he responded, and he could feel the pressure of tears building in his eyes. “Alexander I just wanted to be me again, with you.”

Alec shushed him with a press of his fingertips against his lips. Their dancing had slowed to a barely-there swaying, like a glorified embrace. “I would never think that of you. It’s okay, Magnus.”

“No it isn’t,” Magnus maintained, shaking his head insistently, hard enough to make himself dizzy. “We already were losing time and I can’t—we can’t lose all of it now.”

“You have a choice, Magnus.” Alec paused, halting their movement entirely. “There’s not a lot of time to make it, but it’s yours.”

“What does that mean?”

Beginning to pull away, Alec’s grip on Magnus’ hands loosened. “You know,” he murmured.

“Alec, wait. Alec, don’t leave. Please.” He grasped desperately at Alec’s hand, striding forward to follow him but the distance was not to be breached.

Their palms caressed one last time, until it was just the tips of their fingers that touched.

And then as suddenly as Alec had appeared, he was just gone. Between one blink and the next, it was as if he’d never been there at all.

Magnus choked on a sob, his arms instinctively encircling himself in a desperate attempt to hold the pieces of himself together as they fractured. He needed to get back to Alec, that was that mattered. The tears that had been brimming in his eyes couldn’t be held back any longer, and they were warm against his cheeks as they rolled down his skin. His breath came out in uneven bursts; he couldn’t catch his breath even as he tried to take a slow and even inhale through his nose.

“ _K_ _enapa kamu menangis nak_?” broke the silence.

Through his vision that blurred with tears, Magnus saw before him a sight he’d nearly forgotten as his memory of his childhood wore away with age. “Mama,” he exclaimed breathlessly, taking a step forward and falling to his knees at her feet in exhausted desperation.

To carry the guilt with him all this time that he brought her such shame and revulsion that she took her own life had, at times, been the most crushing burden he could imagine. Sometimes, despite everything he knew he could never have hoped to have, he craved the comfort that only a mother could give to her child. He wanted to be held by his _ibu_ as she told him that she would always love him, no matter what, and that everything would be all right.

He jumped in surprise when he felt her hand on his head, caressing him comfortingly. It couldn’t be helped when he pushed against her, hungry for her touch in a way he’d never been. “ _T_ _olong bantu aku_ ,” he begged.

“Magnus.” Her voice was quiet but strong, and he looked up at her.

Though he couldn’t have brought to mind all the finest particulars of her features from memory, it all felt familiar to see before him now. He might have had his father’s cat eyes but there were planes of his face that were unmistakably given from her. Where his features tended to be sharper, like Asmodeus, hers were softer and rounder. She had a lovely face, framed by her long, dark hair that shone in the light.

“Magnus, stand up, darling. You are not to be defeated,” she continued, a sad smile on her lips as she tugged him to his feet. “That is not who you are.”

As soon as they were eye to eye, Magnus couldn’t stop himself from throwing his arms around her to hold her tightly in his arms. He never thought he would know what it was like to have her in his embrace again, and it was strange to meet her now as her equal. He was taller than her by more than a head, requiring him to duck down at an awkward angle to rest his chin on her shoulder, but god, it was worth it.

After holding one another for another moment or two, his mother pulled back to look at him, touching his cheek. “What a beautiful man you’ve become, Magnus. Look at you.” She smiled up at him the way he had wished for all his life it seemed.

“Mama, I miss you. So much.” It felt like a lamentable understatement, really. There weren’t words in his vocabulary that could do justice to the void that had existed inside of him for all this time.

“You’ve made me so proud over the years, becoming the brave, strong man I hoped you would be,” she said.

“But you…you left me,” Magnus pointed out, voice trembling slightly. “You were so ashamed to have given birth to someone like me that you couldn’t even live with the thought anymore.”

Looking up at him with an unreadable expression, his mother nodded solemnly. “I did leave you, but it was a mistake that I made. I was afraid, and I didn’t know how to live with my own shame. I can tell you with certainty, my darling boy, that you don’t want to do the same thing to Alec.”

At the mention of his name, a watery smile spread across Magnus’ face. “You know about him, Mama?” There had been a handful of times, when he was left with his thoughts for an extended period of time, where he sometimes imagined she could look at him, utterly in love with the most exceptional person he’d ever had the pleasure to know, let alone be loved by, and be happy that his heart was finally at peace where it was meant to be. He had wished she could know. And now she did.

“I do, darling,” she laughed, delicate little laugh lines etched into her skin at the corners of her eyes. “I know that you have found the kind of love people fight wars for, die for— _live_ for. Love means sacrifice, and sometimes that means choosing to carry on even when you think you can’t bear another day.” She paused, the corners of her mouth turning down slightly. “I loved you, Magnus, but it was conditional; I didn’t live for you as I should have. But you… You’re so much more than I ever was. Live for him, Magnus. Don’t make the mistake that I did. There isn’t much time to make your choice.”

“What does that mean? He said that too.”

“Choose,” his mother said instead, coaxing his head down so that his forehead could be met by her lips. It felt like an old, forgotten dream when she kissed him, a ghost of familiarity. “Be brave, Magnus, like the man you’ve made yourself to be.”

Magnus let his eyes close for a moment, to savor this moment, this only chance at catharsis he could ever have. When he moved to lean into her touch one last time, he was met with nothing at all. She had gone.

He was alone in the empty loft once again. Now, however, it had become greatly desaturated, like water on ink that greyed and paled. It wasn’t quite devoid completely of color, reduced to black and white, but it was undeniable that this place was fading, and that meant with very little room for question, that he was too.

“Make a choice,” Magnus repeated to himself, turning the words over thoughtfully. But how?

“You’d better do it soon by the looks of it, dear friend.” One last ghost to face. Perched on the edge of the couch with a friendly grin, Ragnor’s arms opened, beckoning Magnus in close. “Aren’t you going to say hello? I wouldn’t think you would have forgotten me in only a few months’ time.”

“You never know, I’ve been rather busy,” Magnus teased, embracing his dearest friend in a tight hug.

Ragnor rolled his eyes lightheartedly, waving off the comment. “It’s no fun to die, is it?”

“Is that what’s happened to me?” Magnus asked, sitting down on the couch in front of him.

“Not yet. You’ve always been a lucky bastard.” Resting his finger under Magnus’ chin affectionately, Ragnor fixed him with a serious stare. “It’s a tenuous thing, though, life. Particularly for someone in your condition. You know better than to welcome another warlock’s magic within you, Magnus. Honestly.”

“Don’t start with me. Not you, of all people,” Magnus reproved sternly, jerking his chin from Ragnor’s grasp.

He immediately nodded, looking down at his hands. “I’m sorry, that’s in poor taste right now. You’re right. I’ve known you longer than anyone else in this world, and yet I can’t wrap my mind fully around what you must have gone through in these trying weeks.”

“I tried,” Magnus felt compelled to say. He’d tried to lie to himself, to trick himself into believing maybe he didn’t need his magic to feel whole anymore. But every breath without it was difficult, as if his lungs were being squeezed inside of his chest, and a weight sat on his sternum to hold him down. He couldn’t live like that.

“I know, Magnus,” Ragnor replied kindly. “All you’ve ever done was what you believed to be best at the time, for whatever reason. You’re many things but reckless is not one of them.”

His words made Magnus smile. There was a time, when he first met Ragnor, when he was the closest to reckless that one could get without being so categorically. He was still trying to prove himself, still meticulously holding people at arm’s length and disguising it. But somehow, Ragnor had been able to see, to understand. To befriend.

“What does it mean?” he asked, looking up from his hands. “To make my choice. What do I have to do?”

“You should know. Either reject the world and move beyond to be with those you’ve lost, or choose the world and those in it, and make your dear departed wait on you that much longer.”

“But how would I get back?”

“I believe you’ve relied on your connection to Alec in situations such as these before,” Ragnor pointed out. “When you’ve called to him, he’s heard you. Don’t you think he’ll do the same? Reach out to him now, find him.”

Magnus exhaled slowly, closing his eyes. Clearing his mind as best as he could, he tentatively extended himself out, waiting to feel, _wanting_ to feel. And suddenly there it was, just as Ragnor had said, a presence intimately familiar. It was Alec, the anchor inside no matter how far apart they were. “He’s here.”

“When you’re ready, let him bring you home,” Ragnor coaxed kindly.

Opening his eyes again, the room had paled once again. Time was running out. “It’s not fair what happened to you,” Magnus said quickly. He wouldn’t forgive himself if he missed his chance once again. “I never dreamed that when I came to you that day that you would be in danger.”

Ragnor pressed his lips together, then reached out to put his hand on Magnus’ shoulder. “My brother, you must know that I could never hold you responsible for what happened.” His grip tightened slightly, drawing Magnus’ gaze. “You have a whole lot more life ahead of you. Make it a good one, hmm?”

He couldn’t do anything but nod in response, the lump in throat harder to push down.

“I’m proud of you, Magnus. We both know that Asmodeus is a vengeful being, threatened by your greatness. If he couldn’t have you, he wanted to destroy what you hold dear; unraveling the tapestry by pulling one strand. He doesn’t understand what it is about you that makes you so boundless because he is ruled by pride and power. The things that set you apart are the things you cultivated despite your advantages.” Ragnor stood, straightening his waistcoat meticulously before continuing. “You’ve suffered, both at his hands and at the hands of many others in your life, and you’ve become something that won’t be easily conquered.”

Turning the script ‘M’ ring around on his finger thoughtfully, Magnus nodded slowly. “I’ll have to face him again, in time, and I don’t have anything left for him to take.”

“For what it’s worth, you’re not the one that I pity, Magnus.” After a pregnant pause, his tone lightened. “It’s time I leave you. Whenever it maybe be that I see you again, I’ll be there for you as always.”

“Thank you,” Magnus said softly, gripping his hand tight for a moment. “For everything.”

Ragnor too disappeared before him, just as the others had.

And Magnus knew what he was going to do.

_Thank you Alexander,_ he thought to himself. _I’m sorry I made you wait so long._

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [tumblr](http://royaltybane.tumblr.com)


End file.
